Why does turning 60 makes one introspective?Or is it only me?It leads into a journey towards spirituality and search for meaning of life.I feel I have done the duties in supporting my extended family financially,emotionally ,educationally and morally and it is now my turn to dig deep into my soul and innermost being.
Wipe a clean slate.Live for the moment and enjoy the Power of Now!I can’t help thinking of a few of my close friends who passed away in their fifties or early sixties.
I somehow have this feeling that time is running out-being closer to the end than the beginning!So much to do and so little time so to speak.
My husband and I went to the Temple on Friday in memory of our dear friend Eric’s birthday.He would have been 60 had he lived.I wondered how many of his friends remembered him.He died six years ago and left millions to friends,charities and educational institutions.I supposed that was his legacy.All the people whose lives are better because he worked hard as an Orthopaedic Specialist and never even married.So many shared the fruits of his labour.
He gave an extravagant party to all his friends during the year that he got diagnosed with liver cancer.I wonder how many of those friends remembered his birthday?Does it really matter?
There was my friend Gerry who died at 58.We were both College Lecturers in the Phil.I migrated to Australia and then convinced her to follow.It was a harrowing experience seeing her fighting for life and losing it.Her bravery,love and dedication to her family knew no bounds.I attended her daughter’s beautiful wedding early this year.As I saw her walking down the aisles,I think I wasn’t the only one who was seeing her through eyes blurred by tears.Somehow,I felt my friend was there.I would like to believe that spirit lives on forever.
Then I can’t help thinking of my late mother and father.As one celebrates a birthday ,it becomes a memorial for the parents who gave you life.I say a silent “Thank you” to them.In spite of a difficult,dysfunctional childhood and family life-getting older makes one look at the bigger picture.The sadness and pain in the past are less significant as the understanding and realization sink in.My parents did their best considering what they themselves had to overcome.One is less judgmental although the goal is -not to be!I have to work harder on that.
I look with great hope in the future.I have tried to do better and avoid the mistakes that I judged rightly or wrongly my parents made.I still have regrets.I wish I didn’t hit my kids in the name of discipline because I should have known better.But I hit them less than I have been hit! That is a feeble if not pathetic excuse.My eldest daughter doesn’t hit her kids and yet they are beautifully behaved-most of the time!She has her methods and it works!
I come to another realization in this aging process,I am learning to be more forgiving of myself of mistakes I have made over the years.Nobody can ever understand how hard I am on myself and how high my expectations are.It is a constant source of frustration if not stress.I have got to learn to just go with the flow.Keep repeating my mantra”This too shall pass.”
I am learning to shed negative feelings and attitudes towards others.I am also more forgiving of others but forgetting doesn’t happen unless one has dementia.One learns to move on without the burden of negative emotions.Live,leave and learn.
I see the future in my children and my grandchildren.With God’s guidance and help given to me over the years-may theirs be as blessed.My hope and hold on immortality.
So with my aching bones,silver hair which is now blonde and the love of my wonderful husband,children and grandchildren,may the remaining years be bright!Less pain-being pain-free is too much to ask.
When the end comes-we all get there! (It is the greatest equalizer.)I would like to be able to close my eyes and say”What a life!”Many thanks to all whose presence made it wonderful,funny,interesting and even to some extent -painful and unpleasant!It made the great times even more remakable.
I will continue to tend my garden,make quilts for all my loved ones.I tell the recipients-”It is like my arms around them when I am gone.”There are many books I would like to read and music to listen to. And, of course,I ‘ll dance Flamenco! Ole!
